i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
