I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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