Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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