Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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