My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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