You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
