I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
