I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
