you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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