she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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