i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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