I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
