You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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