My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
