So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
