he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
