I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
