Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
