I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
