living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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