My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
