the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
