Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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