After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
