It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
