They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
