he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
