i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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