Got a toothbrush?
I think my vagina is haunted
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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