I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
