My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
