did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
