the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
