i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
