when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
