are you still at the devil's house?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
