I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
