I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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