So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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