If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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