I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
