ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
