i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
