you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
