No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
