So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
