There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
