I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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