I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
send nudes
from the living room?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
