Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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