i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
