Dual....:-)
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
