Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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