And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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